FUT1D

That's right.

Eff You, Type 1 Diabetes.

I'm literally over you.  You've been in my life for 30 years.  My longest relationship.  You have bossed me around. Controlled me.  Made me feel badly.  Made me cry.  Put me in pain.  Made me scared.  Made me sick. Made me feel hopeless.  You have made parts of my body give up.  You have made me stress out and become anxious.  You make me think of you first. You have made me depressed.  You have made me suicidal.   You have made me not give a shit about my life. You have hurt my friends, my family, my partners and random strangers.  You have been a selfish prick.  Literally.

I wish we could break up.

I am a middle aged woman, who is currently peri-menopausal, and has just received that dreaded post-bloodwork call from her Dr. My A1C raised to 7.7.  UGH!  Seriously????  I am doing NOTHING different.  NOTHING!!  I am eating that same.  In fact, I've been on the same damn diet for 30 years.  I have been wearing the same pump, counting carbs, watching treats, exercising more, taking my meds, checking my blood sugar....doing everything humanly possible for you, Diabetes.  Everything.

So, why do I have to suffer?

Why do I have to feel guilty and angry and sad, and etc etc and so on and so on because my A1C sucks?!?!

It's not fair.

Oh, and then my Thyroid is jacked up again?  Too low?  3 months ago it was just fine.  The meds were perfect.  Now they aren't?  Now I need a higher dose?  Because of my hormones again?  Because of my Diabetes again? WHAT?!

I'm so frustrated and sick of this effed up relationship.  I can't even take a break!  Go on a vacation, alone!  Get 5 minutes without the D bullshit invading my life.

The worst thing is that 'normal' people, 'non-Diabetic' people don't get it.  It's not only what I eat.  I know the lot of you are under that misconception and I cannot BEGIN to tell you how wrong you are.

It's what I do, how I feel, if I'm stressed, if I'm happy, if I'm emotional, if I'm over worked, if I'm tired, if I'm sick, if I'm busy, if I have sex, if I don't have sex, if the planets are aligned, if the stars are out, if it's raining on the West Coast and sunny on the East Coast.  It's every stupid thing that a person experiences or does in life.  Every single thing effects my Diabetes and my blood sugar.  I can't breathe without wondering if I b reathe too deeply will my freaking sugar drop!

Again.  Bullshit.

I'm over it.  I, and the other 1.2 million Americans who have T1D try so hard, every moment of every damn day, to get this relationship under some sort of control so that we can just live.  It doesn't matter that there isn't a cure.  It doesn't matter that our lifespan decreases by 13 years right out the gate.  It doesn't matter that we have more medical supplies in our homes/purses/cars/desks than we do anything else.  It doesn't matter that we spend billions on caring for this disease.  None of that matters because we have no choice.

Then let's talk about how much money I've raised for this disease?  For the hope of a cure. How much I have given over to JDRF.  Has anyone at JDRF helped me?  No.  Has anyone paid my hospital bills, ambulance bills, doctor bills, specialist bills, pharmacy bills, medical supplies bills, dental bills, food bills, insurance bills?  No.  Yet, I'm always asked to raise more money.

So, not only is my relationship partner a dick, so is it's family.

This is my life.

This is my relationship.

Until death do us part.

FUT1D.  I freaking hate you.

*Peace.

The Price of Diabetes

If you have been reading my blog then you know about the medical issues every Diabetic faces. A person with Diabetes of any Type runs the risk of numerous health concerns and none of them are pleasant. Not a one. Nevertheless, the complications are endless and the consequences are inevitable..for many. That’s why I always stress to try and maintain the tightest control possible. Although, I know that sometimes any control is next to impossible. Sigh. Stupid Diabetes. It’s all just part of the dreaded path we were dropped on and forced to follow.




















However, medical issues are not the only price a person with Diabetes pays. The cost of Diabetes in the US ranges in the billions. Billions. Imagine what that breaks down per person? Oh. You can’t? Let me help you…on average, a person with Diabetes pays approximately 2.5 times more for their medical expenditures than people without Diabetes. More than double….even with health insurance.

Talk about getting screwed from every angle. Ouch.















If you are brave enough to find out what your estimated costs are, the ADA provides a Cost Calculator. I chose my state, Nevada. Shelley Berkley is my Congresswoman so I chose her district and the estimated cost for Diabetics is…..drumroll, please……$520,900,000! Just so I can live a full life like everyone else. Yay!

Crazy, no?

Before I knew my insurance would pay for One Touch test strips, I would shell out $30 for 25 strips. Keep in mind that I test my blood sugar approximately 10 times per day. This time you can do the math. I loathe math. Bleck. The FreeStyle test strips that go with my insulin pump cost even more. With insurance I get 100 One Touch strips for $25 and 100 FreeStyle for $50. This just an example of what one piece of my daily routine costs me.




















Oh, and PS, I’m not really the one to complain to when you say you don’t have any money. Haha! No, seriously, I’m not. Especially when you are married with no kids or no major health problems and you’re moaning to a single mom with a chronic disease. Sorry. You know who you are.



It simply amazes me to think what I could do with that money had I not have the misfortunate DNA that makes me who I am. I know one thing…my Eff It Bucket List would definitely have a lot more items crossed off. Le sigh.



















The annual cost of living with and treating Diabetics has doubled over the past 5 years. Simply due to the fact that there are more diagnoses each year and medical supply costs have increased. The price for all diseases, not just Diabetes, is astronomical. I think it’s very important for people to realize just how expensive it has become.

Someone is certainly making a crap load off of the sick & chronically diseased. I guess this supports my idea that if they did find a cure, those ‘Someone’s’ would lose a ton of money. Especially since most Diabetics are on more than one medication. Billions, and estimated soon to be trillions, of dollars are spent treating over 135 million Americans that live with chronic diseases. At least there were 135 million in 2005. So, I can’t help but think money, greed, wealth is the reason I don’t have a cure.

But…that’s just my opinion.

It’s pretty sad when the diagnosis of Diabetes isn’t shocking enough. The cost of having the disease will literally blow your mind…and your budget…and your savings account.

Booo.
















*Peace.

Imperfection is Beauty.

Diabetes is a disease that puts you through the wringer 24/7. If you are a diabetic, you should be aware of the number of things that you may feel or see or experience. There is a crap load. I’m not kidding. Once you think your cup is full, the waiter comes around and refills your glass. What really sucks is if the glass is full of iced tea and the waiter screws up your tea/Splenda ratio. Grrr…anyway.

It’s not only difficult being a diabetic, its difficult being the family, friends or lovers of one. Extremely difficult because there is no way for you to feel or understand what we are going through. No way. Thank your Gods. I know it’s hard for you, I do. All I can do is say I’m sorry and try to pass on some enlightenment to this disease. As someone with a chronic disease, we only hope for people to understand. Oh, and a cure. We hope for a cure, too.

It all goes back to the Invisible Illness post. Just because we look healthy, doesn’t mean we are.

I wanted to share with you some side effects of being a diabetic. Side effects that, as a 24 year diabetic veteran, I am or have experienced. I’m not talking about complications such as kidney failure, retinopathy or heart disease. I’m talking about the weird and obscure side effects that make a diabetic wonder ‘Is this because of my diabetes?’ ‘Could this be because of my diabetes?’ Or 'Would I feel like this if I didn’t have diabetes?’ Here are a few that I feel quite often. Unfortunately, so do those around me.

Fatigue. High blood sugars obviously can cause a diabetic to become tired. Also, many diabetics have thyroid problems which can also cause fatigue. Lucky me, I have both. My body gets exhausted every day by simply living. I’m pretty much tired of being tired but that’s my lot in life. So, I need to take a nap. I do. I am a much better and more alert person if I catch 30 minutes of sleep in the afternoon.
















Anger. I am the queen of getting angry. I get angry because it’s easier for me to handle than getting sad. I get angry because I’m threatened and scared. I get mad that I am sick, that I do everything right and my sugars still run high or low, that I have all of these antibodies attacking my core and I can’t win this fight. I get angry for a lot of reasons. It’s normal. However, letting your emotions get out of control could put you at risk for more health issues.




















Depression. Depression occurs in many diabetics. As a matter of fact, diabetics are twice as likely to suffer from depression as people who are not diabetics. Note…depression could also be a reason for fatigue. Feeling down once in a while is normal. Diabetics have a lot to deal with on a daily basis. These things can build and the stress becomes too much. You feel alone, you feel overwhelmed and, most of all, you feel hopeless. If you feel everything has become too much, please see your doctor. The world is a much better place with a happy you in it.












Forgetfulness. Poor control of your diabetes can lead to forgetfulness. Say hello to Ketoacidosis. I was poorly controlled for many years as a teen/young adult. During that whole self destruction phase, diabetes was something I wasn’t concerned with. Bad Kelly. The problem is that when you have an elevated sugar level in your blood stream, the blood flow to your hippocampus decreases. The hippocampus is not only fun to say, it is also responsible for your memory. So, don’t take it personal when I tell you I don’t remember. It’s certainly not that I didn’t care or didn’t find the experience as fulfilling as you, it just means I have a naughty hippocampus.

















Weight Gain. Dr. B tells me ‘A chubby diabetic is a healthy diabetic.’ Oh. My. Gawd. Really? Really. Insulin makes you gain weight. Hurrah. The thing that keeps me alive on a daily basis also keeps my ass size on the rise. Keep in mind that this only applies to those with Type 1. Access overweight can be the cause of Type 2 and is quite the opposite. I’m talking gaining a reasonable amount of weight. Although, I struggle with 20 pounds being 'reasonable'. So, please do not tell me to go on a diet. I've been on one for 24 years. Please don't ask me to work out more. I work out as much as my disease allows me to. Love me, love my chubb. Note: Remember that manipulating your insulin to lose weight is a bad idea…one that I have had quite often. Luckily, I love my life too much to risk 10-20 pounds.




















People don’t realize how much it takes for me, or any other diabetic, to simply survive. But we are surviving and we are doing the best we possibly can. Not only do we have a chronic disease, we are also human. We are all imperfect in some way, shape or form. I don’t know about you, but I find the imperfections of a person the most interesting.




















“My imperfections and failures are as much a blessing from God as my successes and my talents and I lay them both at his feet.” ~Mahatma Gandhi


*Peace.

Invisible Illness: Type 1 Diabetes

To you, I look normal.
To me, I look like I am fighting for my life on a daily basis.

To you, I look happy.
To me, I look like I am trying to forget I am sick.

To you, I look full of energy.
To me, I look like I am hiding my exhaustion.

To you, I look confident.
To me, I look like I have no worth or value.

To you, I look pleased.
To me, I look like I am in constant pain.

To you, I look successful.
To me, I look like I am struggling.

To you, I look strong.
To me, I look lonely, weak, frustrated and on the verge of breaking down.

To you, I look like I am free.
To me, I look like I am forever imprisoned by a disease I didn’t deserve.

To you, I look in control.
To me, I am a vessel for chaos.

To you, I look just like everyone else.
To me, I look like someone who wishes she were.

To you, I look healthy.
To me, I look like I have a chronic disease


National Invisible Chronic Illness Awareness Week is September 14 – 20, 2009.

Nearly 1 in 2 Americans have a chronic disease. More than half of those chronic diseases cannot be seen. More than half of those appear healthy, look good and seem ‘normal’. Diabetes is one of those diseases.

When I walk down the street, no one would ever guess that I am sick. I have friends and family members who forget because I look just like them. Just like them….but I am not. I am not just like you and no matter how hard I wish, hope and pray that I were, I’m just not. One of my greatest fears is that I will never be.



The person you see before you is here only because of persistence, daily maintenance, great effort and great sacrifice. The person you see before you is angry at her body, is frustrated with insurances, is jealous of you, and is fearful over the future. The person you see also deserves a cure because she did not ask for this invisible illness. She did nothing wrong and yet has to do everything right in order to live through this day.

What you may see isn’t necessarily what is real. Today, what you see before you is a Type 1 Diabetic. A Type 1 Diabetic who feels this chronic disease every moment of every day. A Type 1 Diabetic who deserves a cure. Please help me fight for it so I maybe I can be just like you.

Invisible Illness

JDRF

American Diabetes Association

*Peace.