Bad Luck Schleprock

I am Bad Luck Schleprock. Remember that dude from The Flintstones? He started showing up around the time The Flintstones jumped the shark. Schleprock & Gazoo. Yep. Even cartoons can jump the shark. Anywho, Schlep was plagued with bad luck. The thing with bad luck & me is that I’m pretty used to it. I must be the worst Irish woman ever in regards to luck. But, instead of getting all worked up over it, I typically seek out the humor and laugh. My life works better that way.













My latest black cloud started with a cold.

Everyone was walking around sick at work on New Year’s Eve. I knew the moment I heard the hacking & snuffling that I would be the next victim. Stupid diabetes robbed me of my immune system so I catch the funk fast. Sure enough, my head filled with snot and I was down for the count. My head is still stuffed and it’s been 2 weeks. I’m not ‘sick’ per say, I just have a head cold.

I decided that I would put Dex on so I didn’t have to keep checking my blood. That would take one thing off my snot filled plate. The Dex insertion was easy, and the set up process began. A couple hours later I told Dex what my bs was and d-life was running smoothly…until about an hour later.

Dex beeped. Sigh. I looked at the screen expecting to see ‘HIGH’ but instead saw 3 question marks & and a picture of X through the sensor. This was something new and I didn’t really give it much thought. I couldn't get it to register and needed to restart Dex. I told the transmitter I had a new sensor and went through the whole process again.

Those who have a Dex know the process takes a while. At least an hour, though I’ve never timed it. After several attempts, I chalked it up as a loss and removed the sensor. The next day I inserted a new sensor and the same thing happened. Two days of poking myself with two failed sensors and I called Dex. The rep took the info she needed, shipped out two new sensors for me and said that there was no way all four in the box could be messed up. Great. Ok. I inserted a third. Now Dex isn’t the best feeling being shoved into my skin and it’s definitely not my favorite thing to do. But, it's a way of life and I poked myself yet again....to have the same thing happen. Finally, I opened a new box and inserted a brand new sensor. This one worked…for about 8 hours…and then, yep, you guessed it. BAM! Same thing.

Fail.












Throughout all of the Dex drama, I needed to change my pump. I woke up to the constant shrill of Omni expiring. So, I went through that process, hooked a new Cyborg module up & was ready to go. I was at work sitting at my desk when I heard Omni shriek ‘Occlusion!!’ Ugh. Really?

Fail.













I keep an extra pod on me and one at work for such instances. Again, I went through the set up process…everything is a process with Diabetes! Usually when my pod is full of insulin, it gives me an ‘AOK’ beep. This time it beeped constantly. The PDM code said ‘Communication Error’ and that was the end of pod #1. Again, I didn’t give it much thought and grabbed my 2nd pod. I filled this one up with insulin and heard nothing. The PDM beeped again and yelled ‘Communication Error! Move closer blah de blah.’ I laid the PDM on top of the pod and nothing. Now I was screwed. I was out of pods.

I called Omni and was told that the signal was being skewed from sitting too close to electronic devices. ie: Computer/phones. I had to laugh and say ‘Well, I don’t live in a cave.’ There are electronic waves everywhere! Sigh. So, I stayed at work podless for about ½ the day. I reverted back to my old skool ways of shooting up. Apparently Cyborg Kelly doesn’t like shooting up, either that or my pen expired because my bs reached drastic heights and I had to go home.

So, I just sent my final email to my rep at Dex saying that it has to be me because I'm a Schleprock. My rep & I are friends now, by the way.

Every module I have inserted over the past 10 days has failed miserably. I guess Diabetes didn’t read the New Years resolutions that I wrote for it. Or, it just didn’t pay attention.





















Luckily for me, it makes a great story that I can laugh about.

*Peace.

Cyborg

‘Hello, my name is Kelly and I am a Cyborg.’ It’s true. I am a functioning combination of artificial and natural parts. I am Jamie Sommers, the Bionic Woman. I have the Six Million Dollar Man theme song as my ring tone. I should marry the Terminator or Inspector Gadget. I am better, stronger, faster…..hey, if the Bionic Man married the Bionic Woman, would they have Bionic Babies? Hmm..

Anyway. My first nodule is Chloe. I described her briefly in my ‘Blueberry Muffin Top’ blog. Chloe is a Cozmo Insulin Pump. She is green. She is my electronic pancreas that I happen to wear outside of my body. Unlike you, I have to communicate with my pancreas. I tell Chloe how many carbs I am eating and what my blood sugar is. Chloe then tells me how much insulin I need to inject to cover my meal. I then tell Chloe to deliver said amount and voila’. I can chow. Sometimes I miscalculate the carbs, sometimes I eat more or less than what I tell Chloe. It’s never perfect, but, so far, it’s the closest thing I have. I also haven’t woken up to a room full of paramedics, half naked and screaming like a banshee in over 6 months so that’s a good thing. Thanks, Chloe.

Chloe does annoy me though in that she is always stuck to my body. I have to insert a nodule, clip Chloe’s tubing to it, shove the tubing down my pants or in my pocket and either clip Chloe to my belt loop or stick her in my pocket, too. I do this every 3 days. Oh joy. Oh rapture. I have to unclip her for showering, sex, swimming…mostly ‘s’ things, I think. I can’t wear a dress because I don’t know where to put her. My stomach is beat up because it’s the easiest and less painful place for insertion. But, I take the good with the bad…. and deal…*sigh* …like always.

My second nodule is my CGM (Continuous Glucose Monitor). This piece is newer than Chloe. I couldn’t figure out a name so I enlisted the help of my friend, Bill. I was complaining at dinner saying how the CGM was whiney, needy, wanted to be constantly near and always yelled at me. We decided the CGM sounded like an old boyfriend whom I dubbed ‘He Who Shall Not Be Named’. Every time I ever said his name he appeared…yipes! So using that nickname was the safest way to talk about him. Now…my CGM is called ‘Thing That Shall Not Be Named’. Long name, but very fitting. Thanks, Bill.

Anyway, this nodule is stuck in every 7 days. I can move this one around because there isn’t a tube. Last week he was on my calf. This week he is on my upper arm. Thing checks my blood sugar approximately 350 times per day. Way better than stabbing my fingers 350 times per day. I may actually start to get the feeling back in my fingertips. Wooo! Thing keeps track of me and keeps me in check. He has an alarm that loudly and annoyingly notifies of highs and lows. Embarrassing when he yells in the library but what can I do? I am getting used to Thing and can always take a break from him if he gets too clingy. It’s a perfect relationship for me.

I wonder what I would look like if I clipped my Chloe, Thing, iPod, and Crackberry to my waist. I’d be like the newer, geekier version of a pocket protector.

So, like I said, I am a Cyborg. Obama overruled the Stem Cell ban today. Whew! My hope has been renewed. While I don’t think I will see a cure in my lifetime, I hope that my daughter and my grandchildren will never have to go through these things that make up my life. That is my biggest wish.

*Peace.