SAD

I went to the Doctor last month to talk about my state of mind. Seriously. Not even a Psychiatrist because that's just crazy. No. I talked to my regular, run of the mill, Doctor to find out what in the name of all that is holy was wrong with me.

Abe came with me.

After the initial 'checkup', you know...weight...(which is ALWAYS 5 pounds heavier)..blood pressure...A1C....meds review....yes, you're still a Diabetic, have a nice day....he asked if I had any questions. I did.

As soon as I started speaking, I started tearing up. I said that I was broken. That I didn't know if I was post-menopausal, depressed or insane. He started asking questions.

'Do you cry at the drop of a hat?'
Obviously.

'Do you get really angry over the slightest thing?'
Yes. Ask Abe and Amanda.

'Do you sleep a lot?'
I'm always tired. I could fall asleep right now.

'How long have you been feeling this way?'
A few months.

'Has your family and friends noticed a change?'
Yes.

'Are you suicidal?'
No. I'm too arrogant to kill myself.

Funny thing is that Abe moved here in July. I had fallen down the stairs the night before and sprained my wrist..which I just had my Dr. look at prior to this conversation. The look he gave Abe after all of this was priceless. Abe and I both knew what he was thinking and if I didn't know us, I would totally understand. He was just doing his job to ensure that I wasn't being abused. Poor Dr. If he knew us at all, he would be more afraid for Abe than me. haha!

The crazy thing is is that I have nothing to be depressed about. Nothing at all. In fact, I have been happier in this last year than I have in the last 3 years so...I don't get it???

My Dr. finally said that he thought I was chemically unbalanced. That my serotonin levels were not living up to their job and, as a result, I was feeling blue. We also deduced that the past 1.5 years of drastic change and loss was finally hitting me now that I was feeling as if I was in a safe place in my life. Made sense. He suggested meds and I said I didn't want to lose myself. That I liked me and wouldn't like wandering around like a drooling zombie. He promised I wouldn't wander or drool or zomb out. He prescribed a low dose SRI and away I went. I made an appointment to return in a month to see how I felt.

That month deadline is quickly approaching and, I have to say, I don't feel drastically different. Granted I haven't shed a tear but that's the only change I've seen. Abe said he can tell the difference. I wonder how.

My little genius daughter decided that she would do some research when we were talking about my state of mind one night. She said that I am suffering from SAD. Seasonal Affective Disorder. This makes more sense to me. This typically happens when the seasons change, more specifically, winter. It occurs more in women than men. AND considering that I'm a Type 1 Diabetic who can rightfully list depression as a side effect doesn't help matters.




















This makes perfect sense to me because I went from having sunshine and being warm 360 days a year to having sunshine and warmth about 60 days a year. That's stinky. Also, Amanda said I was the same way last winter.

I better start religiously taking some Vitamin D....and winter vacations to Bali...or Oahu.

So, the good news is I will be happy in 8-9 weeks. Spring starts in 9 weeks. I'll tell my Dr. that I don't know if the pills are working and see what he says. He did say I would only have to take them until Spring. He must also know that happiness will return at that time. I'm going to ask him on my follow up visit about SAD, too. See what he thinks.

In the meantime, I'll keep pill popping....and wishing for a winning lotto ticket so I can go someplace warm and sunny...STAT.















For more information on Seasonal Affective Disorder, please click here. -> SAD

*Peace.

Daily 'D' Disclosure - #2

November 3, 2011: I hate that Diabetes causes depression. I hate more that this disease sometimes has control over my happiness...and my self.



















I am typically a happy person. I believe laughter is the best medicine. I believe humor can be found in all situations. I believe in the happiness of hope. I believe I am strong enough to handle anything. I believe life should be enjoyed.

Then Diabetes knocks on the door of my self and spirit.

Most people aren't aware that Depression is a side effect of Diabetes. I never did. But, I am not surprised. The daily load of crap Diabetics deal with...every moment....every breath....every meal and every thought....is a vertiable nightmare on our psyche. Not to mention the addition of the normal, every day, non-diseased life things...bills...relationships...work...that beat you down on any given day. Another lovely addition is that I am a female...hello, crazy bitch ass hormones!

Sometimes I'm a hawt mess!

But....I carry on. I smile when I want to cry. I laugh when I want to scream. I love when I want to hate. I dance when I want to curl up in a fetal position.

We are all different and all handle ourselves, our spirits and our disease differently. So, please don't assume that all Diabetics are the same. The vast differences would amaze you, I'm certain. The one common ground we have, though, is strength.

Today, I will give my Depression approximately 42 more minutes of my life....and then I will move on.

*Peace.

Dia-pressing.

I have to confess, I have always been a cynic of depression. I could never grasp the notion that making yourself happy just wasn’t a possibility. Wake up and choose to be happy. How difficult is that? I always viewed depression as dramatic way of describing sadness.

'Oh, gawd. I'm so depressed because I gained 5 pounds.'
'I'm depressed because Jim broke up with me.'
'I'm depressed because things aren't going the way I want them to.'

You're not depressed. You're sad, disappointed, hurt, angry. The end. I guess it's because I am typically a happy person. Even when bad things happen, I have the appropriate reaction and go back to enjoying my life. I choose to be happy.

I would not have classified depression as a disease or an illness, perhaps because I have a disease. I would have placed depression more in the 'psychological struggle' category. Not necessarily a character defect but possibly the inability to utilize and deal with overwhelming pain.

I certainly have my opinions about taking medication for depression, too. As someone who has an addictive personality, I see this as a dangerous thing. Also, because I believe depression to be a normal reaction one must go through when dealing with sadness and/or pain.

Everyone gets sad. Everyone hurts. Everyone gets over it.

Well, I have lost my happy. For the first time, in 41 years, I have lost my happy and I am shocked. Shocked! I know exactly when my happiness left. October. I know exactly why my happiness left. There are many reasons. What I am unsure of is how to find it again. Oh, I am happy on the surface. When you see me or talk to me, you will notice nothing out of place. Unless you truly know me....or unless I want you to. I have made several hysterically weeping phone calls lately only to hang up before anyone answers.

I don't like being sad and I don't like people knowing I am sad. Do I view it as weakness? Maybe. Do I view it as helplessness? Possibly.

I knew I was sad but I didn’t know I was depressed until my eyes would swell with tears at every the slightest thing. Right now, for example, or at dinner the other night with the girls. I'm a weeping willow. It's like constant PMS. I am excessively tired, all the time. I have no energy. I don’t want to engage. I want to be left alone. I have a loss of interest in just about everything. I just don’t care. About anything other than Amanda.

And Amanda has noticed that I haven't been happy for months. That kills me.

So, feeling like crap, I went to the ER for some idea of what was wrong with me. I was clueless because being sad is just a foreign concept. I was told I am suffering from fatigue. Well, who isn’t? I’m a single diabetic mother of a teen who works 10 hours a day. And, I am dehydrated. I knew this. I have been drinking significantly less water than normal. I was told these things could be due to stress, depression &/or diabetes. I was offered medication that I denied. I was told to drink more fluids and get extra rest. Wow. Ok. Wait.

Depression? Me? Holy….crap…..I AM! Off to researching I went. Now suddenly having the care to look deeper into depression. People with Diabetes have a greater risk of depression. Huh. I guess it makes sense. When aren’t we stressed about control and complications? If you took everything away from our lives except Diabetes, we would STILL be stressed out. Add on my work struggles, love or lack thereof, being the soul decision maker, having to deal with lunacy from people that should support me, trying to raise a happy, healthy teenager, running a home, missing my family, hating Las Vegas, writing my book, my blog, articles and….holy hell. No wonder I’m depressed and exhausted! How am I even functioning?! ;)

I read that depression affects approximately 23 million Americans. Depression often goes undiagnosed and untreated. That's understandable. I refused any medication until I go see Doc B. He’s the only one I trust with my health in this town. He will know what to do and how to help me. People just have the same thought I did. It's sadness, you'll survive. While I am not ‘clinically depressed’, I have definitely been sad for four months. Quite honestly, I am just sick of it. I currently feel like I want to sleep my life away and that is no bueno.

In the meantime, I have an appointment to see Doc B next month. My checkup will be more like a counseling session, methinks. Then I plan on taking more time for myself and not feel like I have to make the entire world happy. I need to remove toxic people from my life. Start progressing towards my future plans instead of just dreaming about them. It’s getting to be nice so I will start hiking again. Doing something I love has got to help. Disneyland, maybe? That's the happiest place on Earth, for gawds sake!!

I want my happy back and would do just about anything to find it. So, if you see it, please return to me ASAP. Thanks, dolls.

For more information on Diabetes and Depression, please click me.














*Peace