Cyborg

‘Hello, my name is Kelly and I am a Cyborg.’ It’s true. I am a functioning combination of artificial and natural parts. I am Jamie Sommers, the Bionic Woman. I have the Six Million Dollar Man theme song as my ring tone. I should marry the Terminator or Inspector Gadget. I am better, stronger, faster…..hey, if the Bionic Man married the Bionic Woman, would they have Bionic Babies? Hmm..

Anyway. My first nodule is Chloe. I described her briefly in my ‘Blueberry Muffin Top’ blog. Chloe is a Cozmo Insulin Pump. She is green. She is my electronic pancreas that I happen to wear outside of my body. Unlike you, I have to communicate with my pancreas. I tell Chloe how many carbs I am eating and what my blood sugar is. Chloe then tells me how much insulin I need to inject to cover my meal. I then tell Chloe to deliver said amount and voila’. I can chow. Sometimes I miscalculate the carbs, sometimes I eat more or less than what I tell Chloe. It’s never perfect, but, so far, it’s the closest thing I have. I also haven’t woken up to a room full of paramedics, half naked and screaming like a banshee in over 6 months so that’s a good thing. Thanks, Chloe.

Chloe does annoy me though in that she is always stuck to my body. I have to insert a nodule, clip Chloe’s tubing to it, shove the tubing down my pants or in my pocket and either clip Chloe to my belt loop or stick her in my pocket, too. I do this every 3 days. Oh joy. Oh rapture. I have to unclip her for showering, sex, swimming…mostly ‘s’ things, I think. I can’t wear a dress because I don’t know where to put her. My stomach is beat up because it’s the easiest and less painful place for insertion. But, I take the good with the bad…. and deal…*sigh* …like always.

My second nodule is my CGM (Continuous Glucose Monitor). This piece is newer than Chloe. I couldn’t figure out a name so I enlisted the help of my friend, Bill. I was complaining at dinner saying how the CGM was whiney, needy, wanted to be constantly near and always yelled at me. We decided the CGM sounded like an old boyfriend whom I dubbed ‘He Who Shall Not Be Named’. Every time I ever said his name he appeared…yipes! So using that nickname was the safest way to talk about him. Now…my CGM is called ‘Thing That Shall Not Be Named’. Long name, but very fitting. Thanks, Bill.

Anyway, this nodule is stuck in every 7 days. I can move this one around because there isn’t a tube. Last week he was on my calf. This week he is on my upper arm. Thing checks my blood sugar approximately 350 times per day. Way better than stabbing my fingers 350 times per day. I may actually start to get the feeling back in my fingertips. Wooo! Thing keeps track of me and keeps me in check. He has an alarm that loudly and annoyingly notifies of highs and lows. Embarrassing when he yells in the library but what can I do? I am getting used to Thing and can always take a break from him if he gets too clingy. It’s a perfect relationship for me.

I wonder what I would look like if I clipped my Chloe, Thing, iPod, and Crackberry to my waist. I’d be like the newer, geekier version of a pocket protector.

So, like I said, I am a Cyborg. Obama overruled the Stem Cell ban today. Whew! My hope has been renewed. While I don’t think I will see a cure in my lifetime, I hope that my daughter and my grandchildren will never have to go through these things that make up my life. That is my biggest wish.

*Peace.