Thursday, September 10, 2015
Eff You, Type 1 Diabetes.
I'm literally over you. You've been in my life for 30 years. My longest relationship. You have bossed me around. Controlled me. Made me feel badly. Made me cry. Put me in pain. Made me scared. Made me sick. Made me feel hopeless. You have made parts of my body give up. You have made me stress out and become anxious. You make me think of you first. You have made me depressed. You have made me suicidal. You have made me not give a shit about my life. You have hurt my friends, my family, my partners and random strangers. You have been a selfish prick. Literally.
I wish we could break up.
I am a middle aged woman, who is currently peri-menopausal, and has just received that dreaded post-bloodwork call from her Dr. My A1C raised to 7.7. UGH! Seriously???? I am doing NOTHING different. NOTHING!! I am eating that same. In fact, I've been on the same damn diet for 30 years. I have been wearing the same pump, counting carbs, watching treats, exercising more, taking my meds, checking my blood sugar....doing everything humanly possible for you, Diabetes. Everything.
So, why do I have to suffer?
Why do I have to feel guilty and angry and sad, and etc etc and so on and so on because my A1C sucks?!?!
It's not fair.
Oh, and then my Thyroid is jacked up again? Too low? 3 months ago it was just fine. The meds were perfect. Now they aren't? Now I need a higher dose? Because of my hormones again? Because of my Diabetes again? WHAT?!
I'm so frustrated and sick of this effed up relationship. I can't even take a break! Go on a vacation, alone! Get 5 minutes without the D bullshit invading my life.
The worst thing is that 'normal' people, 'non-Diabetic' people don't get it. It's not only what I eat. I know the lot of you are under that misconception and I cannot BEGIN to tell you how wrong you are.
It's what I do, how I feel, if I'm stressed, if I'm happy, if I'm emotional, if I'm over worked, if I'm tired, if I'm sick, if I'm busy, if I have sex, if I don't have sex, if the planets are aligned, if the stars are out, if it's raining on the West Coast and sunny on the East Coast. It's every stupid thing that a person experiences or does in life. Every single thing effects my Diabetes and my blood sugar. I can't breathe without wondering if I b reathe too deeply will my freaking sugar drop!
I'm over it. I, and the other 1.2 million Americans who have T1D try so hard, every moment of every damn day, to get this relationship under some sort of control so that we can just live. It doesn't matter that there isn't a cure. It doesn't matter that our lifespan decreases by 13 years right out the gate. It doesn't matter that we have more medical supplies in our homes/purses/cars/desks than we do anything else. It doesn't matter that we spend billions on caring for this disease. None of that matters because we have no choice.
Then let's talk about how much money I've raised for this disease? For the hope of a cure. How much I have given over to JDRF. Has anyone at JDRF helped me? No. Has anyone paid my hospital bills, ambulance bills, doctor bills, specialist bills, pharmacy bills, medical supplies bills, dental bills, food bills, insurance bills? No. Yet, I'm always asked to raise more money.
So, not only is my relationship partner a dick, so is it's family.
This is my life.
This is my relationship.
Until death do us part.
FUT1D. I freaking hate you.
Thursday, December 18, 2014
Sure enough. It was a little of both.
I was diagnosed with Hashimoto's a couple of years ago and have been trying to get it controlled since then. With no luck. Apparently, I am one of the 5% who have a hard time finding the proper dosage and gaining some control over my thyroid.
Just like I'm one of the rare that has Type 1 Diabetes. I swear...why doesn't this rarity thing happen with Lotto?
Anyway, it's a bunch of crap. I was riding to work with Abe the other day and started thinking about my health. Here is the verbal diarrhea that ensued.
Diabetes can't be the reason my body is attacking itself. It's my immune system that's effed....not my Diabetes. I have T1D because of my immune system. My immune system, which shall henceforth be called Asshat, decided to attack and kill my pancreas. That caused me to have Type ONE Diabetes. My immune system is attacking my thyroid. This is causing me to have Hashimoto's. The immune system is supposed to attack disease....not cause it.
So, Diabetes will obviously be the death of me. Of this I have no doubt. It will cause many problems because that is the side effect of having Diabetes. But, if I had a pancreas transplant...put a brand new, living, perfect pancreas in my vessel...it's only a matter of time before Asshat attacks it and I end up right back where I was.
This leads me to think that I don't necessarily need to find a cure for Diabetes, per se. I should be looking for a cure for Asshat. That would solve all of my health issues. To teach Asshat that it's one main goal in life, it's one job in this vessel, is to attack the BAD stuff! NOT the good stuff! Asshat is obviously blonde. But, how can Asshat be so stupid??? I'm not, so who taught Asshat to be backwards?
This is why when I catch a cold, or a virus or whatever, I get it 10x worse than the normal person. I am sick for weeks when a person whose immune system isn't an Asshat is only sick for a couple of days. Or when I cut myself, I take weeks to heal when a nomal person only takes a few days.
Asshat is the problem.
Not Hasimoto. Not Diabetes. Just Asshat.
Does this make sense to anyone other than me? Or has any other person thought about their immune system and whether or not it's an Asshat? I'm curious. Please leave comments on this topic.
Friday, November 7, 2014
Hello. It’s been a while so I thought I’d pop in a drop a blog. That sounds like I’m going to do something awesome with some killer dance moves or something but no. I’m just here to purge the Diabetes side of brain. Haha!
I don’t have any excuses for not blogging other than being lazy, or busy, or lacking in concept so I apologize to those who care. But, like I said, I’m back in the saddle again and ready to spit out some Diabetic prowess in honor of November being American Diabetes Month.
It’s awesome we get an entire month for a disease that we maintain every millisecond of every day for the rest of our chronic diseased life. It’s awesome that we get a World Day, too. This day is to spread global awareness worldwide like Diabetes is spreading worldwide. So, wear blue and be aware of Diabetes and your pals that have it. We appreciate it. We do.
It’s pretty effed up though that they chose November…the Thanksgiving binging month…to be Diabetes month. Sigh. Ok. I’m using a pump so whatever…I eat what I want!! (in moderation) haha.
Because it’s our month, I did a little Googling on Type 1 Diabetes. One thing I came across was this list of facts. Some of them actually surprised me. I’ve had Diabetes for 30 years and am rarely surprised by anything so that says something. Go ahead and give it a read. Or at least give it a scan.
Warning….it’s not good or light or positive for all those D pals you were aware of earlier.
I’m not gonna lie, I’m a little depressed after reading some of these. It seems to be that, while my life could be worse, it’s not going to be any better with Diabetes. I have nothing to look forward to. At this point, even looking forward to a cure seems hopeless at times. However, I’ll never lose hope. Without hope, I have nothing.
One thing this list failed to mention is gum disease. Gum Disease is another side effect of Diabetes. I’m proof of that and am currently dealing with the heartbreak of losing my teeth to periodontal disease. I’ve bitched about this before on my blog so it’s not new. It’s just becoming worse, which I knew it would.
Another thing is thyroid disease. This I am also dealing with. Hashimoto’s Disease. Hai! Sounds like a great roll I’d order at my favorite sushi place but nope. Not that lucky. This is the reason for my weight gain, fatigue, sensitivity to cold and the pain in my joints. Ugh. I guess I’m pretty fortunate because after 30 years, I could be worse. I wasn’t always a ‘good’ Diabetic and am still not perfect. I abused my body with drugs, alcohol, resentment, rejection, sugary foods and you name it. If my teeth and my thyroid are my only problems, I’d say I’m ok. I’ll be a tired, toothless fatty any day over a being blind, one legged dialysis patient. Just saying.
Hey, you always gotta look for the positive. Haha
In other news, Diabetes has been cured in mice. Now…how do I become a mouse?
For more info on November being about Diabetes and not facial hair, click these links:
Saturday, November 23, 2013
Monday, June 24, 2013
Thursday, January 3, 2013
Sometimes, when I write, it's basically like mind diarrhea. Everything cultivates in my head and when I sit down to write, it all comes spewing forth. Because of this, I rarely take the time to read what I have written or think about what I have written because I've released it. This probably doesn't make sense to any one who isn't a writer. Our brains are mysterious.
After reading the comments, having my eyes fill with tears and reading my post with more clarity, I realized that I have neglected to take notice, show gratitude and give thanks to those who are in my life. I have been a T1D for 27 years. There have been a lot of people I owe these things and more to. A lot.
Loving a T1D isn't an easy task. It is a rocky, windy, bumpy, icy, slippery when wet, long ass road. It is a road that many people weren't given the option of traveling down...but they found themselves in the drivers seat. It is a road that many people do choose to travel down....and sometimes they probably regret getting in that car....but they do get in. Everyone behind that drivers seat is taken for one hell of a ride.
In no particular order, I owe the following thanks, gratitude, acknowledgement and gratefulness.
Amanda, Fran, Abe, Jenna, my dad, Jeannie, Dickie, Aunt Donna, Heidi, Laurie, Shesh, Ted, Tami, Elisa, Steph, Laura, Jill, Tom, Andrea, Nancy, Gary, Erik, Eileen, Bill, a handful of ex's, especially the ex who broke up with me after an episode where I couldn't walk, the waitresses and waiters at many restaurants, the guy in the middle of the road, the people at the Ulster County Fair, the people in public restrooms, the people in line for the Pirates of the Caribbean ride at Disney, the people watching Fantasia at Disney, the cop I punched, the paramedic I asked if he was gay, the thousand other cops and paramedics who have 'met' me, the homeless person whose ass I wanted to kick, the neighbor kid who saw me crawling out from under my garage door covered in blood, my neighbors, my co-workers, the convenience store workers, the grocery store workers, the people in the 6 car pile up, the employees at the Ireland hotel....
My gawd. 27 years of being a Diabetic makes for a lot of people helping me to stay alive. I can't remember them all. There's simply too many. So, as a whole and in it's entirety, thank you to anyone who has dealt with me during my lows and my highs. Who forced me to eat when I refused. Who took hits, slaps, pushes, punches, tears, threats, screams, insults and verbal abuse. Who held me up, helped me walk, who wiped my tears, vomit and spit, who hugged me when I didn't deserve it, who talked me through and kept me from falling. For allowing me to vent, cry, weep at the unfairness. To be scared, angry and upset at my future. To not really understanding but trying very hard to.
To everyone, for everything, over the years. Thank you. For all the things I remember and all the things I've forgotten, thank you. I would not be here without you and that is the truth.
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
I am trying to remain positive about meeting this new Dr. The fact is...I have been a T1 for 27 years now. In that time, I have found 1 Endo that I adore. Just 1. That was only a couple of years ago in Vegas. Dr. Berelowitz. Because I liked him so much, I had the best control, the best A1C, the best bloodwork, the best D a person could have.
Moving was almost like a break up for me. I wanted him to come with but he had to stay. Sigh. Now..I have only been seeing a General Practioner for 2 years since moving to NY. I really like him but he isn't that confident in my care of the D. I respect that. He has wanted me to see an Endo but I keep blowing him off. Too busy. No money. I know how to care for myself better than any Dr. Blah Blah. Just basically comforting myself in the security that my GP quotes 'The Princess Bride', knows me and my life, treats me like a human being.
But. I finally broke down. I am not a fan of Dr's and having had a chronic disease for over half my life has caused me to be a little leary of many. I have had the Dr's who act like they blame me for getting this disease. I have had Dr's who tell me I could control this disease better if I really wanted to. I have had Dr's rush in and out without getting to know me or my life. I have had Dr's run a rampant of unnecessary tests, etc, for the money and not for my health. I have had them all. So, it's very difficult for me to find a Dr. that isn't judgemental, that takes the time and listens to me personally, that is as interested in caring for me as I am and not just seeing dollar signs and no hope.
Type 1 Diabetics need a Dr. with hope. Plain and simple. At times we get so down living with this pain in the everywhere all day, every day, that our hope falters at times. Mine does. It's nice to walk into an office and feel like that hope. Doc B had hope. He was the best.
I have hope, too. Hope that this Endo will, at the very least, be 1/10 of what Doc B was. This would be a good thing for me and my body. :)