Monday, June 24, 2013

I Got 99 Problems & They Are All Diabetes.

That moment that reality hits....I have Diabetes....and my whole day..my whole life...is ruined.
Not being able to go anywhere without a bag.
I'm afraid to live alone....or be alone. I love being alone sometimes. I'm an only child FFS.
When people say 'Diabeetus'. Grrr.
Reusing needles or lancets even though it hurts because I'm too lazy to change them.
Having to take 10 units and your FlexPen only has 8 left. 
Having to use a FlexPen because you have no insurance and Pods are $800.
Having no insurance and finding out a bottle of life sustaining insulin is $168. 
Putting a new pump on and either accidentally ripping it off or realizing the cannula is not in anymore.
When people ask if it hurts. Of course it hurts! Every moment of every day!
When I'm in a bad mood and the uneducated and annoying ask if my sugar is high. 
Diabetic Food Police.
When people say Equal or Splenda is going to give me cancer. Ummm. Thanks. That's all I can have.
When a Non-Diabetic thinks they know more about Diabetes than I do. 
Only needing a Doctor for scripts or blood work because I actually know more about Diabetes than most Doctors. 
When people don't understand that my sugar is low.
When people try to argue or reason with me when my sugar is low.
When people take whatever I say or do personally when my sugar is low. 
When my pump or CGM alarm goes off in embarrassing places. Ie: library
Finding used test strips EVERYWHERE.
Being felt up, violated and interrogated every time I fly. 
When people tell awesome stories about their grandmothers fathers uncles mother who lost a foot and went blind due to Diabetes.
Becoming a mosquito lollipop every time I walk outdoors. 
Looking like an abused woman or a klutz due to having bruises everywhere because of pumps, needles or lancets. 
Having more problems occur due to Diabetes...like simply having Diabetes isn't enough. Ie: Hashimoto's Disease.
Feeling guilty at my Doctor appointment because my A1C is higher than last time.
When the uneducated regale me with cures for my disease.
When a complete stranger looks at or touches my pod and says loudly 'What is THAT?!'
When I say I have to eat and no one reacts or hurries. Um...have to eat NOW. Mayday! Mayday!
Having low blood sugar and shoving every possible food item in your mouth.
HAVING to eat..not ENJOYING eating. 
People who think Diabetes is only Type 2.
Talking about my real fear of death because, realistically, it could happen to me at any moment. Then having someone say 'Everybody dies.'
Mood swings because my blood sugar goes from 50 to 300 in a moment not because I'm actually moody.
When my blood sugar drops and I feel like I am dying.
Blood sugar rising or dropping for no apparent reason. Like dropping right after dinner or going to bed at 80 and waking up at 200 without eating a thing.
Being told 'A healthy Diabetic is a chubby Diabetic.' by my Endo. I don't want to be chubby!!
Checking my blood when my fingers are cold.
Wearing my bathing suit while wearing my pod.
Depression.
Thinking that all Diabetics are the same. 
Wondering if the Starbucks teen really gave me a 'Skinny' Vanilla Latte.
Having my purse be 99% full of Diabetes stuff...leaving little room for my wallet and Chapstick. 
Waiting for my teeth to fall out thanks to Diabetes and not poor dental hygiene. 
Hoping to be able to feel it when the Endo pricks my toes and feet.
Wondering what my pancreas looks like and wtf it's doing in there. 
Getting jealous of Non-Diabetics. Getting pissed at Non-Diabetics who abuse their healthy bodies.
Feeling guilty that I started this genetic nightmare and hoping there will be a cure before my grandchildren are born.
Equally loving and hating 'Steel Magnolias'.
Not being able to figure out where to put my pod because every fatty part of my body has been used.
The needles being so freaking huge it looks like I'm about to sew leather. Ie: Dexcom
Not being able to take a Diabetes vacation....ever. 
The way my Diabetes effects my family and friends.
When my sugar drops when I'm driving resulting in a 6 car pile up, a totaled Nissan Pathfinder and a cop bullying me in the hospital about taking my license away.
Having always said I wanted to die in Ireland and then almost doing it.
Looking like an insane person when my sugar is low.
People staring.
Non-Diabetics never really understanding or getting it.
Arguing with my boyfriend when my sugar is low.
Having Diabetes as my number 1 thought.
Feeling so tired at night because my body has been fighting to stay alive all day.
Worrying that my body is starting to break down because I've had this disease for 28 years.
Saying that I've had this disease for 28 years. Sigh.
My eyesight is getting worse and worrying that I may lose it.
Having medical supplies in my fridge, kitchen, bedroom, bathroom, car, purse.....
Not wearing a Medical ID bracelet because they are ugly or gay.
Explaining to a new friend or boss or co-worker that I am a Diabetic.
Wondering what it would be like to not have Diabetes. Or if I was cured. Would I ever be or feel 'normal'.
Wondering if I will ever be given the chance to know the answer or that.
Knowing that if I let my sugar remain high for a while, I could lose weight. Weighing the options and seeing if it would be worth it.
Questioning the universe as to why this happened to me. 
Eating because you have to, not because you want to or because you are hungry.
Actually hating food and hating to eat.
Having to start eating after everyone else because I have to test, bolus or shoot up and then begin.
Being stressed because of Diabetes and having that stress effect my blood sugar.
Not being able to sleep fully or soundly for a entire night.
Trying to diet and work out only having to eat more because of low blood sugars.
Not being able to smoke weed because I can't tell how my body is feeling or my Diabetes is doing.
Having my memory effected because of Diabetes. 
Being harassed about having tattoos and being a Diabetic. 
Catching colds easier and having them last longer than a Non-Diabetic.
Taking longer to heal.
Not being able to walk barefoot because I might cut my foot on something.
Knowing that insulin makes me gain weight but not being able to stop taking it and just staying a fatty.
Having a pod tan line. 
Telling people I can have sugar, can eat whatever I want and only worry about the CARB content. Sheesh.
Never being able to commit a crime because I have polka dot finger prints. 
Becoming combative and punching firefighters and cops when my sugar is low. Or threatening to kill people.
Having to use duct tape on my pod because it was falling off and I didn't have anything else. 
Having bulges in my clothing because of my pod.
Smashing my pod on a doorframe as I walk by and having the entire thing rip off my skin. 
Having to wear so many medical devices that I feel like a freaking cyborg.
Ignoring my pod and CGM so long that  they start vibrating and screeching in anger.
When I go to the bathroom, forget where my pod is and pulling down my underwear rips the damn thing off.
When everyone says to refrigerate my insulin but I know what cold insulin feels like pulsating through my skin.
The fact that I need to go to the Doctor to get a script refill. Hello? I'll have Diabetes for life! Can't I just have a never ending supply of the shit that keeps me alive, please? 
The SMELL of insulin.
The fact that I am sick. I have a chronic disease. One that will destroy my body, hurt my family, worry my friends, cost me millions and will eventually be the cause of my death. :(

I think that's 99. Psh. 

2 comments:

  1. Holy shit - you actually did 99 diabetes problems! :-)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Yes...OCD Kelly counted. Haha!

    ReplyDelete