Eff You, Type 1 Diabetes.
I'm literally over you. You've been in my life for 30 years. My longest relationship. You have bossed me around. Controlled me. Made me feel badly. Made me cry. Put me in pain. Made me scared. Made me sick. Made me feel hopeless. You have made parts of my body give up. You have made me stress out and become anxious. You make me think of you first. You have made me depressed. You have made me suicidal. You have made me not give a shit about my life. You have hurt my friends, my family, my partners and random strangers. You have been a selfish prick. Literally.
I wish we could break up.
I am a middle aged woman, who is currently peri-menopausal, and has just received that dreaded post-bloodwork call from her Dr. My A1C raised to 7.7. UGH! Seriously???? I am doing NOTHING different. NOTHING!! I am eating that same. In fact, I've been on the same damn diet for 30 years. I have been wearing the same pump, counting carbs, watching treats, exercising more, taking my meds, checking my blood sugar....doing everything humanly possible for you, Diabetes. Everything.
So, why do I have to suffer?
Why do I have to feel guilty and angry and sad, and etc etc and so on and so on because my A1C sucks?!?!
It's not fair.
Oh, and then my Thyroid is jacked up again? Too low? 3 months ago it was just fine. The meds were perfect. Now they aren't? Now I need a higher dose? Because of my hormones again? Because of my Diabetes again? WHAT?!
I'm so frustrated and sick of this effed up relationship. I can't even take a break! Go on a vacation, alone! Get 5 minutes without the D bullshit invading my life.
The worst thing is that 'normal' people, 'non-Diabetic' people don't get it. It's not only what I eat. I know the lot of you are under that misconception and I cannot BEGIN to tell you how wrong you are.
It's what I do, how I feel, if I'm stressed, if I'm happy, if I'm emotional, if I'm over worked, if I'm tired, if I'm sick, if I'm busy, if I have sex, if I don't have sex, if the planets are aligned, if the stars are out, if it's raining on the West Coast and sunny on the East Coast. It's every stupid thing that a person experiences or does in life. Every single thing effects my Diabetes and my blood sugar. I can't breathe without wondering if I b reathe too deeply will my freaking sugar drop!
I'm over it. I, and the other 1.2 million Americans who have T1D try so hard, every moment of every damn day, to get this relationship under some sort of control so that we can just live. It doesn't matter that there isn't a cure. It doesn't matter that our lifespan decreases by 13 years right out the gate. It doesn't matter that we have more medical supplies in our homes/purses/cars/desks than we do anything else. It doesn't matter that we spend billions on caring for this disease. None of that matters because we have no choice.
Then let's talk about how much money I've raised for this disease? For the hope of a cure. How much I have given over to JDRF. Has anyone at JDRF helped me? No. Has anyone paid my hospital bills, ambulance bills, doctor bills, specialist bills, pharmacy bills, medical supplies bills, dental bills, food bills, insurance bills? No. Yet, I'm always asked to raise more money.
So, not only is my relationship partner a dick, so is it's family.
This is my life.
This is my relationship.
Until death do us part.
FUT1D. I freaking hate you.