I have to confess, I have always been a cynic of depression. I could never grasp the notion that making yourself happy just wasn’t a possibility. Wake up and choose to be happy. How difficult is that? I always viewed depression as dramatic way of describing sadness.
'Oh, gawd. I'm so depressed because I gained 5 pounds.'
'I'm depressed because Jim broke up with me.'
'I'm depressed because things aren't going the way I want them to.'
You're not depressed. You're sad, disappointed, hurt, angry. The end. I guess it's because I am typically a happy person. Even when bad things happen, I have the appropriate reaction and go back to enjoying my life. I choose to be happy.
I would not have classified depression as a disease or an illness, perhaps because I have a disease. I would have placed depression more in the 'psychological struggle' category. Not necessarily a character defect but possibly the inability to utilize and deal with overwhelming pain.
I certainly have my opinions about taking medication for depression, too. As someone who has an addictive personality, I see this as a dangerous thing. Also, because I believe depression to be a normal reaction one must go through when dealing with sadness and/or pain.
Everyone gets sad. Everyone hurts. Everyone gets over it.
Well, I have lost my happy. For the first time, in 41 years, I have lost my happy and I am shocked. Shocked! I know exactly when my happiness left. October. I know exactly why my happiness left. There are many reasons. What I am unsure of is how to find it again. Oh, I am happy on the surface. When you see me or talk to me, you will notice nothing out of place. Unless you truly know me....or unless I want you to. I have made several hysterically weeping phone calls lately only to hang up before anyone answers.
I don't like being sad and I don't like people knowing I am sad. Do I view it as weakness? Maybe. Do I view it as helplessness? Possibly.
I knew I was sad but I didn’t know I was depressed until my eyes would swell with tears at every the slightest thing. Right now, for example, or at dinner the other night with the girls. I'm a weeping willow. It's like constant PMS. I am excessively tired, all the time. I have no energy. I don’t want to engage. I want to be left alone. I have a loss of interest in just about everything. I just don’t care. About anything other than Amanda.
And Amanda has noticed that I haven't been happy for months. That kills me.
So, feeling like crap, I went to the ER for some idea of what was wrong with me. I was clueless because being sad is just a foreign concept. I was told I am suffering from fatigue. Well, who isn’t? I’m a single diabetic mother of a teen who works 10 hours a day. And, I am dehydrated. I knew this. I have been drinking significantly less water than normal. I was told these things could be due to stress, depression &/or diabetes. I was offered medication that I denied. I was told to drink more fluids and get extra rest. Wow. Ok. Wait.
Depression? Me? Holy….crap…..I AM! Off to researching I went. Now suddenly having the care to look deeper into depression. People with Diabetes have a greater risk of depression. Huh. I guess it makes sense. When aren’t we stressed about control and complications? If you took everything away from our lives except Diabetes, we would STILL be stressed out. Add on my work struggles, love or lack thereof, being the soul decision maker, having to deal with lunacy from people that should support me, trying to raise a happy, healthy teenager, running a home, missing my family, hating Las Vegas, writing my book, my blog, articles and….holy hell. No wonder I’m depressed and exhausted! How am I even functioning?! ;)
I read that depression affects approximately 23 million Americans. Depression often goes undiagnosed and untreated. That's understandable. I refused any medication until I go see Doc B. He’s the only one I trust with my health in this town. He will know what to do and how to help me. People just have the same thought I did. It's sadness, you'll survive. While I am not ‘clinically depressed’, I have definitely been sad for four months. Quite honestly, I am just sick of it. I currently feel like I want to sleep my life away and that is no bueno.
In the meantime, I have an appointment to see Doc B next month. My checkup will be more like a counseling session, methinks. Then I plan on taking more time for myself and not feel like I have to make the entire world happy. I need to remove toxic people from my life. Start progressing towards my future plans instead of just dreaming about them. It’s getting to be nice so I will start hiking again. Doing something I love has got to help. Disneyland, maybe? That's the happiest place on Earth, for gawds sake!!
I want my happy back and would do just about anything to find it. So, if you see it, please return to me ASAP. Thanks, dolls.
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