Monday, April 18, 2011

Raw Emotion Rant

Today, I am just writing off the raw emotion I am feeling. The raw emotion that I, as someone living, breathing & dealing with a chronic disease, feels but denies every day.

I am pissed off, I am scared, I am angry, I am frustrated, I am sad and I am exhausted. Those are the raw emotions that I deny. Those are the raw emotions that I hide. Those are the raw emotions that I fight. Along with fighting a disease, I fight these feelings every moment of every day.

Every god damn day I fight to stay alive. I fight against a force that I can't beat. I fight a battle that I will never win. I fight against antibodies that never, ever stop attacking my body. I fight against a disease that, no matter how hard I try, how tight of control I keep, how well I eat, how hopeful I remain, will kick my ass over and over again. I fight against people who say I did this to myself, I ate too much sugar, I didn't exercise enough, I didn't pray enough, I must have done something wrong, I must have deserved it, I must have pissed karma off. I fight against giving up and giving in. I fight against no one understanding, no one knowing, no one getting it, no one ever getting it....

I am strong because I have to be. I am hopeful because my life depends on it. I am healthy because I struggle to be. I am positive because if I were negative I'd never survive. I smile & laugh because my life is too short not to.

I have an A1C that has been between 6.1 and 6.5 for the past several years. I am a textbook Diabetic. I am the person whose Endocrinologist wants to brag about & use as an example to all of his other Diabetic patients. I have been proud of my health care & how well I have taken care of myself. These things have not been easy. Not easy at all. No one knows about how hard it has been because I don't let anyone know how hard it has been. I don't want anyone to see me as weak, or soft, or broken, or...worse yet...sick. I want to be seen as normal. Just normal.

Yet, all of this doesn't matter. I walk into my Dr. office today to go over my recent bloodwork. Another day in the life. As always, I have my positive attitude & my humor, ready to hear the news that I'm still a Diabetic. Yes, yes, my antibodies are attacking my thyroid. Check. Yes, yes, my cholesterol is a little high. Check. Yes, yes, my A1C is 6.4. Check. Yes, yes, blah, blah, same, same, check, check. Wait. My kidneys are only functioning at 54%. 54%? A loud banging starts consuming my head drowning out my Dr's voice. Visions of 'Steel Magnolia's' playing simultaneously in my minds eye. The banging turns into a chant 'Renal failure. Renal failure. Renal failure.' My Dr. looks at me with that look no one wants to see. But I do. I see it.

I see it.
I feel it.
I know it.

As much as I hate to admit it, as much as I hate to think it, I know it. This f*cking disease is killing me.

And it's not because I did this to myself. I did not douse myself in a vat full of sugar until my pancreas took a shit. My type is genetic. My rare Type 1 was just part of my DNA. Lucky me. It's not my parents fault because how were they to know what the DNA combination would cause...they couldn't. It's not because I don't believe in God. I believed in God & I got Diabetes. Now I believe in science because that is what will save me. Eventually. When the stingy stop focusing on how much money the sick makes them & actually give up the cure I know they have. It's not because I deserved it. I was too young to have done anyone wrong when I got Diabetes. I did not get this because I was fat. I'm now at the fattest I have ever been & that's because of the insulin!

I just don't understand how people with healthy bodies can abuse the crap out of them with drugs, smoking, drinking, whatever & be fine. Then you have people with chronic diseases who struggle every damn moment to 'be fine' and live only to be denied. What I wouldn't give for a healthy body?! What I wouldn't give for a cure?!! I also don't understand how there are piece of shit people who would kill their own children live healthy, albeit jacked up, lives. How the hell can Charles Manson be healthy & alive?! How the hell???

All of this is fresh after my best friend losing her daughter to Cystic Fibrosis & a friend's young, sweet, daughter ending up in the hospital thanks to her new found friend, Diabetes. So the unfairness of it all is just overwhelming. No one deserves to be sick, but especially not young, beautiful children. Then, those young, beautiful children grow up to be young, beautiful adults with a crap load of expensive health issues that will eventually destroy them.

I don't typically play the 'why me' card, or the 'this is so unfair' card, but I am today. I will go back to being the positive 'I'm gonna kick Diabetes' ass!' tomorrow. But, tonight, I'm down for the count. I've thrown in the towel.

I'm scared. Terrified. Tonight I'm letting it show. I don't want to be sick. I don't want to have anything bad happen. I don't want anymore drugs or devices shoved into or onto my body. I don't want anymore pain.

I know this makes no sense to anyone other than me but if I don't get it out, my head will explode. I'm just so over f*cking Diabetes and so over my body. It's like all my shitty little antibodies are drilling holes in their vessel. Not smart, Diabetes....not smart. Sooner or later....this ship is gonna sink.

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