I went to the Doctor last month to talk about my state of mind. Seriously. Not even a Psychiatrist because that's just crazy. No. I talked to my regular, run of the mill, Doctor to find out what in the name of all that is holy was wrong with me.
Abe came with me.
After the initial 'checkup', you know...weight...(which is ALWAYS 5 pounds heavier)..blood pressure...A1C....meds review....yes, you're still a Diabetic, have a nice day....he asked if I had any questions. I did.
As soon as I started speaking, I started tearing up. I said that I was broken. That I didn't know if I was post-menopausal, depressed or insane. He started asking questions.
'Do you cry at the drop of a hat?'
'Do you get really angry over the slightest thing?'
Yes. Ask Abe and Amanda.
'Do you sleep a lot?'
I'm always tired. I could fall asleep right now.
'How long have you been feeling this way?'
A few months.
'Has your family and friends noticed a change?'
'Are you suicidal?'
No. I'm too arrogant to kill myself.
Funny thing is that Abe moved here in July. I had fallen down the stairs the night before and sprained my wrist..which I just had my Dr. look at prior to this conversation. The look he gave Abe after all of this was priceless. Abe and I both knew what he was thinking and if I didn't know us, I would totally understand. He was just doing his job to ensure that I wasn't being abused. Poor Dr. If he knew us at all, he would be more afraid for Abe than me. haha!
The crazy thing is is that I have nothing to be depressed about. Nothing at all. In fact, I have been happier in this last year than I have in the last 3 years so...I don't get it???
My Dr. finally said that he thought I was chemically unbalanced. That my serotonin levels were not living up to their job and, as a result, I was feeling blue. We also deduced that the past 1.5 years of drastic change and loss was finally hitting me now that I was feeling as if I was in a safe place in my life. Made sense. He suggested meds and I said I didn't want to lose myself. That I liked me and wouldn't like wandering around like a drooling zombie. He promised I wouldn't wander or drool or zomb out. He prescribed a low dose SRI and away I went. I made an appointment to return in a month to see how I felt.
That month deadline is quickly approaching and, I have to say, I don't feel drastically different. Granted I haven't shed a tear but that's the only change I've seen. Abe said he can tell the difference. I wonder how.
My little genius daughter decided that she would do some research when we were talking about my state of mind one night. She said that I am suffering from SAD. Seasonal Affective Disorder. This makes more sense to me. This typically happens when the seasons change, more specifically, winter. It occurs more in women than men. AND considering that I'm a Type 1 Diabetic who can rightfully list depression as a side effect doesn't help matters.
This makes perfect sense to me because I went from having sunshine and being warm 360 days a year to having sunshine and warmth about 60 days a year. That's stinky. Also, Amanda said I was the same way last winter.
I better start religiously taking some Vitamin D....and winter vacations to Bali...or Oahu.
So, the good news is I will be happy in 8-9 weeks. Spring starts in 9 weeks. I'll tell my Dr. that I don't know if the pills are working and see what he says. He did say I would only have to take them until Spring. He must also know that happiness will return at that time. I'm going to ask him on my follow up visit about SAD, too. See what he thinks.
In the meantime, I'll keep pill popping....and wishing for a winning lotto ticket so I can go someplace warm and sunny...STAT.
For more information on Seasonal Affective Disorder, please click here. -> SAD