Sunday, June 21, 2009

Who's Gonna Turn Down a Junior Mint?

Written April 20, 2009

Thanks to Cosmo Kramer for my blog title. Kramer was such an awesome Seinfeld character and it’s such a fitting name for my pump since it's a Deltec Cozmore.

Today’s blog will be about Cozmo. My little green pancreas machine. I have had, and continue to have, a myriad of thoughts regarding the insulin pump. Pre-Cozmo and Post-Cozmo. Good and bad. Uneducated and educated. I guess that’s not surprising since Cozmo has become a permanent addition to my body. I am, after all, a Cyborg.

So, here are a few Cyborg thoughts for you to ponder…or not.

Where the hell do I put Cozmo while I’m dressing? I always throw him on my bed in order to put my pants on. Not only does this move confine me to one small area at the foot of my bed, my cat automatically thinks its play time. Finnegan always attacks the tubing. Always. He has yet to puncture or rip the tubing but I am totally expecting him to. Cats and tubing do not mix.

On the flip side, I want shorter tubing. What? I just said I’m confined! I know, I know! I want the best of both worlds! Sue me.

I am still in belly insertion mode. It is easier and less painful to inject in the fattest part of my body. Plus, every time I have ventured away from the stomach, I rip the site out by accident. My stomach works for me because I can stick Cozmo in my pocket or clip him to a belt loop. Only, then I have to wind up what seems like a mile long worth of tubing and shove it in my pants. While long tubing constricts my movement while getting dressed, it becomes too much when I’m finished dressing and trying to shove Cozmo into my pocket.

Is that an insulin pump in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

Where the hell do I put Cozmo when I’m wearing a dress? I have tried sticking him in my bra but this creates two problems. One, Cozmo gets all sweaty being plastered to my skin by elastic. Two, I feel like a total ass reaching into my bra to pull out Cozmo and a mile long worth of tubing whenever I am hungry. It’s very inconvenient.

There are accessories like the thigh thingy which would help somewhat. But not only are they UGLY, they still pose the same inconvenience. Reaching up my dress isn’t any less awkward than reaching down it. Psh. Why are there not better clothing options? Or accessories that not only look trendy and cool, but also work? Why isn’t my pump cordless? Why didn’t I learn how to sew? Why oh why oh why?

This takes me back to the idea of creating a clothing line for people with medical accessories. The idea of never having Cozmo fall out of my pocket, crash on the floor and yank at my insertion site while simply trying to pee would be a phenomenal thing.

What do I do with Cozmo in the summer? Lately I have been thinking about summer and the beach. For any other person, a day at the beach, pool or water park sounds thrilling. For me, it sounds like a freaking nightmare. This is not because I am the same color and shape as the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man from Ghostbusters. No. It’s simply another inconvenience. How do I keep bs control when I have to keep disconnecting so I can enjoy the water? How do I keep sand away from Cozmo? How will it work…and worse…how will it look with a bikini? Clipping him on my bikini bottoms may cause a ruckus at the beach…ooops! ::blush::

Oh, for those who are wondering, yes. Insulin makes you gain weight. Yay!! How joyous!! A healthy Type 1 diabetic is a chubby Type 1 diabetic. If I weren’t so responsible, I’d opt for the unhealthy and lose the extra 20 pounds I have gained. Rawr.

This past weekend I went for a massage, which was heavenly, by the way. But, as I lay my naked ass under a sheet and a woman is massaging my back, I remember to tell her about my site. ‘Oh, I’m a diabetic, so I have an infusion site that you should be aware of.’ Nice delivery. She totally avoided the right side of my body. Great. I freaked her out. I start to imagine my first sexual encounter with Cozmo. I visual the same words coming out of my mouth and seeing the lucky man freak. Ooooh, I can’t wait. Maybe being single isn’t so bad. I can barely handle myself being freaked out.

So, while I love Cozmo for keeping my A1C at a steady 6.8 for the past 9 months, he definitely leaves a lot to be desired. Pros and cons walk hand in hand with life…I guess. So, until there is a cure, I will continue to be a Cyborg. I will also continue to work on the relationship between Cozmo & myself. After all, he is the boyfriend that I cannot break up with for 3 more years thanks to his warranty. Lucky bastard.


No comments:

Post a Comment